Author Archives: f2x

There were these three women who were roommates.
One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
The blonde said, “You know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.”
The brunette said, “No, you know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.”
The redhead said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.
She said, “Now THAT’S a good date!”

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. “Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed their first son upon his arrival, “Sorry for running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father, “The important thing is we’re all together today.”
The second son arrived, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for your present.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father, “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter arrived, “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town, and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to actually get married.”
The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep”, said the father, “And cheap ones too.”

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are having sex?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“Well, how did he look?”
“Very angry.”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere, and he said, “Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband’s face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?”
“He was looking through the window at us.”

A man received the following text from his neighbor:
“I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home — but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t ever happen again.”
Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later, a second text came in, “Damn Auto spell!! Sorry Bob, the second sentence should refer to your WiFi, not wife.”

Jim and Fred are at the local pub discussing the respective sex lives.
“Well,” says Fred, “truth be known, I’m just bored with screwing the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankering’ for a bit of variety.”
Jim replied, “Well, if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”
Fred says, “What? And have a house full of kids?”

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to the best looking girl in the place and starts looking at his watch.
The girl notices this and asks him if his date is late.
“No”, he replies, “I’ve just got this new state-of-the-art watch and I was just about to test it.”
“What does it do?” she asked.
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.”
“What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”
“Ha! Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”
“Damn thing,” the guy says tapping the watch, “must be an hour fast.”

A married couple walks past a gorilla enclosure, at the Zoo.
Says the woman, “Mark, do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I will expose one of my breasts, and see how excited it gets, just as men do.”
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
See, says the woman, “Now, I know why you react the way you do. Men can’t control their animal instincts, just like gorillas can’t.”
Says Mark, “Now expose both breasts, and let’s see what happens.”
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla. It gets very excited, and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark, “This is incredible!! Now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum, and let us see what happens!”
The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now, is extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman, and starts ripping the clothes off her.
The woman yells. “Mark, what do I do now? Help me!”
Mark replies, “Tell him you have a headache and you are not in the mood. Now let us see if gorillas and men are the same!”

Mike and Angie were sitting at the table reading the newspaper and periodicals at breakfast.
Angie laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in her magazine, which she then read aloud, “Did you know that a woman’s breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?”
Her husband, Mike shot back. “So, how come yours don’t?”
Without even pausing, Angie replied, “Because you’re not pumping hard enough.”