Author Archives: f2x

After exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Angie was doing “fairly well” for her age.

A little concerned about that comment, she couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to see 80?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?”

“Oh no,” Angie replied. “I’m not doing any drugs, either!”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”

Angie replied, “Not much… my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Well, do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or perhaps bicycling?”

“No, I don’t,” she said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive motorcycles or fast cars, or have lots of sex?”

“No!” Angie said in an exasperated tone.

He looked at her and said, “Then, why do you give a shit?”

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by a three rotations in jackknife position,where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said,” That was incredible!”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No.” she said, “I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”

In the days when you couldn’t count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany.

She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a “Wayside Chapel” near the house, a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

Regards,
The Schoolmaster

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a tatol mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fcuknig amzanig huh?

In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, “This is a crock of shit, and it stinks.”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may bide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

And that, my friends, is how shit happens!

The preacher’s Sunday sermon was, “Forgive Your Enemies”. He asked, “How many have forgiven their enemies?”

About half held up their hands.

He then asked, “How many of you know that you’re supposed to forgive them?”

Now about 80% held up their hands.

He then asked, “Now how many of you are going to make it a point to go out and forgive your enemies?”

All responded, except one elderly lady.

“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive you enemies?”

“I don’t have any.”

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety three.” she replied.

“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world.”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, turned, and said: “It’s quite easy really. I just outlived those bitches!”

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly said to her friend, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.”

The friend said, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”

The blonde thought for a moment and replied, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s ‘W’.”

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know.

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of “Black November”.

“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,

“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin,

“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer’s wife to hack off your head,

“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald and pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave you lying in the sink,

“And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing.”

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked,

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola,

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes,

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed,

But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death,

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound,

So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap,
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap,

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
She smiled as she said, “Christmas is coming”.

A lady walked into a drug store and told the Pharmacist she needed a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

“So I can poison that no good husband of mine,” she replied in an indignant tone.

The pharmacist’s turned pale as his eyes grew wide. “Lord have mercy!” He exclaimed. “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! They’d throw us both in jail, and I’d lose my license!”

Then the lady pulled out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife, and handed it to the pharmacist.

The pharmacist paused briefly as he examined the picture. “Well now,” he said with a restrained tone, “you didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”