Boy, I Had it Tough!

“I’ve just had the most awful time,” said a boy to his friends. “First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy.”

“Wow! How did you pull through?” sympathized his friends.

“I don’t know,” the boy replied. “Toughest spelling test I ever had.”

Phone call

“Hello?” said the young girl over the phone.

A man calling home from work said, “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul,” replied the young girl.

After a brief pause, the man said, “But honey you don’t have an Uncle Paul.”

“Oh yes I do,” said the girl. “He’s upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

There was a brief pause. “Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down run upstairs knock on the door shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled up.”

“Ok daddy just a min.”

A few min later the little girl came back to the phone. “I did it daddy.”

“And what happened honey?”

“Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser now she isn’t movin at all!”

“Oh no! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn’t know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it I think hes dead!”

After a long pause the man said, “Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?”

The little girl replied, “No I think you have the wrong number.”

Husbands For Sale

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch ….
You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down – except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking, and help with the housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims,
‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay,
but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Seminar

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – “I love you, Sweetheart.”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis… I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

Lenin in Warsaw

A Soviet filmmaker made a film called “Lenin in Warsaw.” Everybody showed up for the premiere. The film opened—on Lenin’s wife, Krupskaya, naked, while having mad sex with another man.

And then another.

And another.

And so on.

The film continues in the same vein for ninety minutes. Finally, the lights come up and the director takes questions from the audience.

The first question asked was, “Very interesting movie, comrade, but—where was Lenin?

”The director answered, “In Warsaw.”

Life is Like the Ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.”

One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the long years of the war, which he barely survived.

Later becoming a rabbi in his own right, he moved to Philadelphia, and taught all his eager young students, “Life is like the ocean.”

Year after year, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.”

One year, though, a student asked, “But Rabbi, why is life like the ocean?” And the rabbi had no answer.

Why is life like the ocean? The question haunted him. It plagued him so much that eventually he returned to his home village, hoping against hope to find his teacher still alive.

Incredibly, the rabbi had survived the war, though now was quite old and in fact lay on his death bed when the young man arrived. He knelt by the old rabbi’s side and entreated, “Rabbi, Rabbi, why is life like the ocean?”

The old man looked at him through watery eyes and replied, “Okay, so life isn’t like the ocean.”

For “Good” Reason

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'”

Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”

“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”

“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

The Death of Joe’s Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible”.

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled horrible. She was always
holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too.

“Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was
when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled, but they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!”

The old woman fainted