Author Archives: A Flush Twice Visitor

The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is this winter to be cold?”
The man on the phone responded, “This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed.”
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”
“Yes”, the man replied, “it’s going to be a very cold Winter.”
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: “Are you absolutely sure that the
Winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replies, “the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!”
Happy Monday.

Little Johnny leaves school and is looking for a job so he goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
Little Johnny says “Yeah. I sold my bike and all my toys.”
The boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he’d give him a shot, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
“How many customers bought something from you today?”
Little Johnny frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, “One”.
The boss says “just one?!!? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you’d like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here . One sale a day is not acceptable so you’ll have to improve.”
Little Johnny took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), “So, how much was your one sale for?”
Little Johnny looks up at his boss and says “$101,237.65″.
The boss was astonished and says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?”
Little Johnny says, “Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. I then asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?”
Little Johnny smiled and said “No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s screwed, perhaps you should go fishing.‘

So proud of my daughter. This is what she says to me.

Daughter: Mom

Me: What?

Daughter: I got a joke for you.

Me: ok. Let’s here it

Daughter: Say Mark Twains initials and point to your head.

Me: M.T. points to head (realization what had just happened

Me: get out of my face

Daughter runs to her room dying laughing

What kind of monster did I create?

A little girl asks her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother
answers, “Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all
mankind was made.” Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same
question. The father answers, “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which
the entire human race evolved.” The confused little girl returns to her mother and
says, “Mom, you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said man
developed from monkeys. Why do you have different stories?” The mother
answers, “Well, I was referring to my side of the family and your dad was
talking about his side.”

Sarah watches as her mother tries on an expensive fur coat in a high-end department store.
“Do you realize,” Sarah says, “that some poor, dumb
animal had to suffer just for you to wear that coat?”
Sarah’s mother turns to her and snaps,
“Think about how much I’ve suffered! And don’t call
your father an animal.”

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl’s grandma came by and saw her. “Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. “Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?” Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!”

How do lesbians lose weight?

They eat Jenny Craig!

Why can’t lesbians who wear makeup lose weight?

You can’t eat Jenny Craig if you’ve got Mary Kay on your face.

— The Oldest Rater

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a Texas game warden.
The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”
“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”
“Pet fish?!”
“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em home.”
“What a line of baloney… you’re under arrest.”
The redneck said, “It’s the truth, I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!”
“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”
“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.
The warden asked, “When are you going to call em back?”
“Call who back?”
“The FISH,” replied the warden!
“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
(You’re gonna love this.)
The bank manager looks back at her and says, “It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
(You sang it, didn’t you? Yeah, I know you did.)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving!”