Author Archives: A Flush Twice Visitor

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

I’m doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch…

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Ted had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Ted must have experienced. “Ted was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Ted’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Ted. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Ted is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Ted Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

Three women went to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and they release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and for her last words she says, “Well, I’m from the Louisiana State University and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya’ll right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”….

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us too.”

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place… the grass is almost a foot high!”

So, I went in for a routine lady checkup, right… And of course I scrubbed, scraped and shaved like I was going on a first date with with the man of my dreams.. And I decide I’m gonna go with the new body spray I bought… So I sprayed myself like a second shower! I made sure to double spray the land down under so it would smell like sweet magnolias or whatever the hell the scent of the month was at Bath & Body Works… Boom, get dressed and head out… As I’m laying on the table with my ankles to my ears.. My doc begins the exam.. and giggles!… TWICE!!… Idk about you! But when someone is face to face with my lady taco… laughing isn’t the first thing you wanna hear 🤦‍♀️ So I’m asking: Uhhh, is everything ok?… Of course my doc is apologising but he can’t help but still smirk.. Sooo I take a peek👀… and omg!!!! It looked like a damn party in my pants!… I had used fucking glitter spray!!!.. Under the 7000 watt spotlight, it looked like a damn disco ball… Now I’m laughing.. The doc is laughing.. So awkward… He finds his way through Sparkle Valley and finishes up… As he walks out, he let’s me know that it’s totally fine to come as you are… He said further, no need to get fancy

Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives. Sue said, “Mine’s OK. We get it on every week, but it’s no big adventure. How’s yours?” Sally replied, “It’s great ever since we got into S&M.” Sue was surprised. “Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you’d go for that.” “Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”

Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?

“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: “Billy, are you all right? You’ve been in here for a while…
Billy says: “I’m fine, mommy…i just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”
Mother says: “ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”
Billy says: “works for ketchup.”

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven’t made you feel ill at ease; it’s just that you look so much like my late son.”
He answered, “That’s okay.”
“I know it’s silly, but if you’d call out ‘Good bye, Mum’ as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.”
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, “Goodbye, Mum.”
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone’s day, he went to pay for his groceries.
“That comes to $121.85,” said the clerk.
“How come so much? I only bought 5 items.”
The clerk replied, “Yeah, but your Mother said
You’d be paying for her things, too.”
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don’t trust Little Old Ladies!!!

A young man on the farm came out of his room one morning, and asked his mom, “What’s for breakfast?”.
She said, “You know you don’t eat until the stock’s taken care of. You can eat when you get back in.”
The boy left in a huff, and his mom watched him as he fed the stock. He kicked the pigs when fed them; he kicked the chickens when he fed them, and he kicked the cattle when he fed them.
He came back in and saw a bowl of dry cereal on the table. He asked if that was all he got for breakfast.
His mom said, “I saw you when you kicked the pigs, so you don’t get any bacon for a week. I saw you when you kicked the chickens, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you when you kicked the cows, so you don’t get any milk for a week.”
About that time, his dad comes out of the bedroom and kicks the cat out of his way. The son looks at his mom, and says, “Do you want to tell him, or should I?”