Losing Things

An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas.

She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and she answered it, but there was no response.

When it rang a second time, another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. “This is Bob. May I help you?”

“Bob,” a bewildered woman caller finally spoke. “Where is Bill, and who are those two women he’s with?”

The Hazards of Doing Laundry

The town’s most popular prostitute was getting pretty tired of her run-ins with the law. To help weed out the undercover fuzz looking to bust her, she instructed her trusted jons never to ask for sex, but rather ask her to do their laundry.

The police eventually caught on to her scheme, but someone had tipped her off. When an undercover cop came up to her holding out a twenty, she casually remarked, “That’s not very much, so maybe you ought to just do that load by hand.”


Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Mary’s.

The other two women wonder why Mary never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Mary, “Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”

“Well,” says Mary, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at my husband. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”

“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.

“Honey,” says Mary, “on a day like that, you don’t do the laundry!”


A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom & Pop” grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my frog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your frog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his frog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog.”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”


A couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the wife saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the wife would make the same comments about how dirty the neighbors laundry looked.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Would you look at that! She finally learned how to do the wash correctly!”

The husband said, “Actually, I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

Clothes Make The Man

Bubba didn’t know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

The sign said “Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair”.

Bubba says to his pal, “Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I’ll speak in my best Texas drawl.”

They go in and Bubba says, “I’ll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and ……”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re from Arkansas, aren’t you?”

“Well…yes,” says a surprised Bubba. “How come you know that?”

The owner says, “This is a dry cleaners.”


Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, “Hey nice bike! Where did you get it?”

“Well,” replies the other, “I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says ‘You can have anything you want!'”

“Good choice,” says the first, “her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”


A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

“Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?” she said in a scolding tone.

“That’s one of the benefits of owning the company,” the man replied with a grin.


Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, her daughter, Angie said, “Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”

The mother indignantly replied, “Angie, how dare you talk about your father like that!”

A Dish Served Cold

“Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”


A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost his shirt, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabby replied “fifteen bucks.”

The businessman said “OK” and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.


The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: “Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: “Now there are two!”

Naked Comedy

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room…
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”


Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call for me?

“Bob replies, “No, what do you mean?”She says, “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down, and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says, “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob says, “No, what do you mean?”

“You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. “May I help you?”

Bob says, “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 membership fee.” “But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…””Listen lady, I am 67 years old. I get a hard-on once a month—but I fart 15 times a day!”


Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says, “Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!”

The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play. Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, “Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy’s!”

The mom says, “The bigger they are, the dumber they are.” Once again the son goes back to play.

A short time later, he comes running back and says, “Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!”