A man walks into a bar and orders three Guinness. The bartender pours all three and sets them in front of the man who proceeds to take a sip out of the first, a sip of the second, a sip of the third, then repeats until he has finished them all. He then pays an leaves.
The next night the man returns, orders three Guinness, takes a sip of the first, a sip of the second, a sip of the third, repeats until finished, pays and leaves. This happens the next night as well, Finally the bartender asks as the man is leaving “Why do you always order three Guinness at once instead of ordering them one at a time?” The mans says “I have a Brother in London, a Brother in Sydney and with myself in New York City, we never get to go get drinks anymore, so each of us do this ritual every night in whatever city we are in, so it’s like we are having drinks together.” The bartender says “That’s really nice. See you tomorrow then.”
This continues every night for over a month, and one night, the man comes in and only orders two Guinness. He takes a sip of the first, sip of the second, and repeats until finished. The Bartender is thinking the whole time about how he will deal with this change in the ritual, and as the man pays, he says “I’m really sorry for your loss.” The man looks puzzled, and asks “What Loss?” The Bartender says “Well, you only ordered two Guinness, I assume something happened to one of your brothers.”
“No” says the Man “I just quit drinking.”
A man is at a gun shop looking to buy a new scope. The scope is on a rifle and he is looking through it out the window seeing if he likes it. Suddenly the man exclaims, “Oh sweet! Check it out! A naked chick and guy.”
The shop owner picks up a nearby set of binoculars to see and says, “Fuck! That’s my wife and another man.”
The shop owner tells the guy, “If you take these two bullets and shoot my wife in the head and that guy’s dick off, I will give you the scope for free.”
The man says “OK, but I think I’ll only need one bullet.”
A priest and a rabbi are driving down the road when, inexplicably, they get into a head on collision. Both are fine, and as they get out of their cars they start arguing intensely as to who was at fault. After a few minutes of finger pointing, the rabbi says, “This is ridiculous. We’re both men of God. We shouldn’t be arguing.”
“You’re right,” says the priest. “We should be better.”
“I have an idea,” the rabbi said. “I have a case of Manischewitz in the trunk. Let’s drink together to bury the hatchet.”
Lo and behold, one bottle survived the accident and the rabbi opens it and hands it to the priest. The priest takes a huge gulp and attempts to pass it to the rabbi. “Aren’t you going to have a drink?” he says.
The rabbi says, “I’ll wait until the cops show up.”
I’m going to try out a daily joke again… If you think you saw that exact same joke posted elsewhere… You’re probably right.
Guy walks into a Bar on a Monday, sees the Jets game on. He asks the bartender to turn up the volume. Bartender asks, “So you’re a Jets fan?”
“Yeah, once again I am,” the guy replies. The bartender asks him what that means, so he elaborates. “When I was a little boy, I liked the Jets. But when I got a little older, I started to like girls. But now that I’m a little older, I like the Jets again.”
“Why did you switch back and forth like that?” the bartender asks.
The guy says, “Well, I finally realized something: there are times when a woman will refuse to fuck you, but the Jets will always fuck you. ”
Even when I have some time off, that time has already got something penciled in. I have been running around non-stop for the past two weeks. Minus the calisthenics, it has nearly the same feel as the amount of work I had to put in for the military.
I got that "Work hard; play hard" sort of thing going on. I just want some time off so I can catch my breath... And I mean some real time off where I don't have to worry about anything.
Alas, it's not to be. My schedule is booked tight for the foreseeable future, and I've got to shoehorn in a few more things before it is all over.
Our award for best contributors goes to George and Glenn. Those two guys keep emailing me jokes... most of which I've already used, but at least they still send me emails on a regular basis. Of course you could be using our submission page to send me jokes or even email email@example.com like George and Glenn do.
“There is always an adventure waiting in the woods.” ― Katelyn S. Bolds
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.