The Old and the Young


The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted..

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to fuck off.

…And Young Love

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window, “Yes, Officer?”

The trooper asks, “What are you doing?”

The young man says, “I’m reading a magazine, sir.”

Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat the trooper says, “What is she doing?”

The young man shrugs, “I think she’s just filing her fingernails, officer.”

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car on a lover’s lane at night and nothing indecent is happening? “How old are you, young man?” Inquired the officer.

“I’m 22, sir,” he replied.

“And what’s her age?” the officer demanded.

The young man looks at his watch and replied, “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

Perfect, Just Like Frank…

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow.  Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I’m married to his fuckin’ widow.”

Mexican English Vocabulary

Are you a Mexican learning English as a second language? Well here’s a few helpful vocabulary words for you!

1. Cheese
Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My friend wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. Texas
My friend always Texas me when I’m not home, wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
You told me you were going to that store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum
I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair.

10. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, Honey, harassment nothing to me.

12. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser
That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

A Medley of Mayhem (Or just a bunch of random jokes I found)

Once is Enough

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man.

“We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled.

My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again.

Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half- mile when the mule stumbled the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said ‘That’s once.'”

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining… Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her yon dutiful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, ‘Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?’ Bob replies, ‘Girlfriend? She’s my wife!’ They are knocked over, but continue to ask.. ‘So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?’ ‘I lied about my age’, Bob replies. ‘What, did you tell her you were only 50?’ Bob smiles and says, ‘No, I told her I was 90.’

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ‘These’ she explained, ‘Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.’ She then asked, ‘What do you do in America with your old goats?’ A spry old gentleman answered, ‘They send us on bus tours!

A guy decides to go to his high school’s 50 year reunion. He hasn’t seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years. “How have you been?” he asks. “Just fine, just fine,” she replies. “Although I do have some good news and bad news for you.” “Bad news first please.” “Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back.” “Oh, that’s terrible,” he says. “What’s the good news?” She says, “The doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost.”

Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache. “I’ve got a perfect cure for a headache,” said his buddy Trevor. “Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blow job. Never fails.” A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. “Did you try my headache cure,” asked Trevor. “Yeah,” said Phil, “Worked great! I had no idea how nice your house was, too!”

Sister Mary Ann worked for a home health agency. One day she was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow their gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out. Sister Mary Ann walked back to her car and looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas. Always resourceful, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient and carried it back to the station. She filled it with gasoline and carried it to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. The first one turned to the other and said, “If it starts, I’m turning Catholic!”

Ginger Jokes Part III

Editor’s note: The Ginger Jokes series has been our most popular.
We have two other pages you may also like to see:

Ginger Jokes
More Ginger Jokes
(These links will also be available at the bottom of page for your convenience.)

Jokes about Gingers: Completely unacceptable… unless they’re funny.

Driving conditions were awful today in downtown London, and a Ginger was run over in the late afternoon!
Citizens spent several hours pushing him into oncoming traffic before someone finally got the sucker!

Why did the Ginger’s boyfriend keep crawling back to her?
She kept stealing his wheelchair.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Ginger die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven’s gates together.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: “Sorry, it’s crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t get in.”

He looks at the Blonde, and asks her: “What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the Blonde replies, “the Titanic.”

St. Peter lets her into Heaven.

Next he turns to the Brunette, “How many people died on that ship?” he asks.

“Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was about 1,500.”

St. Peter says, “That’s close enough,” and the Brunette walks into Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turns to the Ginger and says: “Name them.”

What do you call a Ginger getting an abortion?
A crime stopper.

Two gingers drove off a cliff in a Vauxhall Zafira.
The police called it “a terrible tragedy”, as the car could have seated 7.

What do you throw a Ginger drowning in quicksand?
His wife and kids.

What would a ginger feel while fatally shooting her husband?
The recoil.

Three teenage girls, one blonde, one brunette, and one ginger were driving along when they had a terrible accident and died. They were all sent to heaven.

At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, “Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don’t step on the ducks, don’t bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest guy in Heaven for all eternity.”

The blonde teen thought that this was rather funny and started laughing. Before she knew it there was a loud “QUACK!” She had carelessly stepped on a duck and was handcuffed to the ugliest guy in heaven.

As fate would have it the brunette got careless and stepped on a duck the very next day. She was immediately handcuffed to the second ugliest guy in Heaven.

The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity.

The next day they saw their ginger friend. She was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them with an angry fire in her eyes and said, “He stepped on a duck.”

What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a ginger?
If you had to, you could eat a bowling ball.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a lawyer?
There’s some things even a lawyer won’t do to people.

How can you tell when a blond is satisfied in bed?
Who cares?

How can you tell when a ginger is satisfied?
She unties you

What was the most unbelievable amazing magical power demonstrated in the Harry Potter movies?
A ginger boy with two friends.

What do ginger kids have to look forward to later in life?
Going gray.

What does a ginger and a refrigerator have in common?
They’re both cold and have no soul.

What do you call it when a ginger’s phone rings on a Saturday night?
A wrong number.

Winter time reminder:
Paint your rocks white in case the Gingers next door have a snowball fight!

Two gingers are in a car. Who is driving?
The constable.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a Styrofoam cup?
Burning Styrofoam is bad for the earth.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a freezer?
A freezer doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out of it.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a snake?
One is an evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake.

What’s the difference between a ginger and roadkill?
There are skid marks in front of the roadkill.

How do you save a ginger from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

You have a gun with two bullets, and you find yourself in an elevator with a deadly viper, a serial killer, and a ginger. What should you do?
Shoot the ginger twice.

Why do gingers smell so bad?
So the blind can hate them too.

What’s the difference between the Loch Ness monster and an attractive ginger?
They have pictures of Nessie.

What did the ginger make for dinner?
Reservations for one.

What’s red and white and peels?
A ginger trying to tan.

How do you get a ginger to start an argument?
Say something to them.

Two  sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a blonde. First sailor asks his friend “Have you ever slept with a blonde?”

Second sailor replies that he has. They walk on further and see a brunette.

“Have you ever slept with a brunette?”

“Why yes, in fact I’ve slept with brunettes on many occasions”

They walk on a little further, and see a ginger.

“Have you ever slept with a redhead then?”

His companion looks at him and replies “Not a wink!”

Why was the ginger angry with the manager of the hardware store?
Her smoke detector didn’t come with a snooze button.

Thanks for stopping by, but there’s more to Flush Twice than just “Ginger Jokes”.
Please be sure to check out all of our other jokes and comics!

We have two other pages you may also like to see:
Ginger Jokes
More Ginger Jokes