Expensive Nuts

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he’s ever seen in his life.  The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks:  “Ess-tues me ser?”

“Yes sir,” replied the clerk.
“Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?”
“Pistachio’s?  They’re six dollars a pound.”
“SSit!” The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks “Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?”
“Almonds?  They’re seven fifty a pound.”
“SSIT!  tas pensive” Replied the tongue-tied man.
“Welp, how bout your pikanns?”
“Pecans?  They’re on sale today, they’re only four fifty a pound.”
“Welp, Ssit.  Just div me a poulnd of dose dhen.”
“Alright then,” says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans.
Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk:”Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan’t hep it.”
The clerk replies with a smile.  “Oh sir, you don’t have to thank me for that.  I don’t make fun of anybody, for any thing!  I don’t know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose.”
The tongue-tied guy replies, “Oh, is dat your noze?  I tought dat wuz your penuz since your nutz arr so damn high!”

Just tossing it out there…

17 Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

1. Your hand always lets you finish first.

2. It’s free.

3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It’s all I can get.

4. You call the position.

5. “Premature ejaculation” ? hehehe

6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.

7. Your privates are your best friend.

8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.

9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.

10. Easier to join their “Mile High Club.”

11. You get to scream out your own name.

12. Peeing is considered foreplay.

13. Nobody ever says, “Why is it all green and wrinkly?”

14. You’ll never have two women, but you’ll always have two HANDS!

15. Four words: “Brad Pitt hand puppet.”

16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.

17. Don’t have to clean up fur afterward.

The Old and the Young


The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted..

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to fuck off.

…And Young Love

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window, “Yes, Officer?”

The trooper asks, “What are you doing?”

The young man says, “I’m reading a magazine, sir.”

Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat the trooper says, “What is she doing?”

The young man shrugs, “I think she’s just filing her fingernails, officer.”

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car on a lover’s lane at night and nothing indecent is happening? “How old are you, young man?” Inquired the officer.

“I’m 22, sir,” he replied.

“And what’s her age?” the officer demanded.

The young man looks at his watch and replied, “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

Perfect, Just Like Frank…

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow.  Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I’m married to his fuckin’ widow.”

Mexican English Vocabulary

Are you a Mexican learning English as a second language? Well here’s a few helpful vocabulary words for you!

1. Cheese
Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My friend wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. Texas
My friend always Texas me when I’m not home, wondering where I’m at!

5. Herpes
Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. July
You told me you were going to that store and July to me! Julyer!

7. Rectum
I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair.

10. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, Honey, harassment nothing to me.

12. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs so I had to pick the bishop.

13. Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. Budweiser
That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?