Voice Recognition Radio

lexusPatricia had just bought her brand new Luxury Lexus convertible and was driving down the street when she realized should could not get the radio to work. She drove back to the dealer for help. “Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this model is completely automatic voice recognition. All you need to do is to tell it what you want to listen to, and it will immediately start to play exactly what you asked for.”
Patricia blinked her eyes with a smile and spoke clearly at the dashboard, “Rock and Roll”. There was a pleasant ding, and Bruce Springsteen started playing is the most with the most amazing sound quality she ever heard. “Classical!” she exclaimed, and after a polite ding was the finest symphony she’d ever heard. “Country!” she said, and the music flowed with Toby Keith.
Patricia was thrilled with her previously undiscovered feature, thanked the manager and drove off the lot. No sooner than a mile down the road, a reckless driver cut her off and nearly crashed into her new car.
Without thinking she slammed on her brakes and shouted, “ASSHOLE!”
There was a pleasant ding, followed by the announcement, “We now bring you last night’s State of the Union Address from President Obama”.

Making Very Happy People

af1President Obama, his wife Michelle, and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Air Force One from Chicago to Washington DC.
Oprah looked out the window and remarked, “You know, I could throw a thousand dollar bill out this window and make one person very happy.”
Michelle replied, “I could throw ten one-hundred dollar bills out this window and make ten people very happy.”
Barack, not to be outdone, said, “I could dump one-hundred ten dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.”
The pilot, overhearing the conversation from the cockpit shouted back, “I could toss your three asses out the door and make 319 million people very happy.”

Defective Stamps

obamastampThe Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama on it, but the Postal Service noticed that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
1.The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the glue.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side.

How Cigarettes Can Lead to Infidelity

cigarettesOne evening Marge asked her husband to go to the store for cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. He figured he could go into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar a beautiful woman starts flirting with him. They had a couple of beers and one thing lead to another. Eventually they ended up in her apartment.
After the man sobered up a little, he realized its 3AM. “Oh no! My wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?”
As luck would have it, she did, and he proceeded to shake it generously onto his hands, and quickly left.
When he got home, his wife was still up, and very pissed, “Where the hell have you been?!”
“Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
“Oh yeah?” said Marge. “Let me see your hands!”
He reluctantly held out his hands.
She took one look at them and shouted, “You God damn liar! You went bowling again!”

A Special Ring

diamondsAn older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $7,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $80,000,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. “I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man and said, “There’s no money in that account!”
“I know”, replied the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”