Cooking up Comedy

Little Johnny’s preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: “Does anyone know what this is?”

Little Johnny’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: “That’s how Mommy knows supper is ready!”

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. “Good heavens,” he said, “what is this?”

“Why, it’s bean soup,” she replied.

“I don’t care what it has been,” he sputtered. “What is it now?”

Cooking up Comedy
So how would you rate this?

Poo Jokes!


Ghost Poo:
You know you’ve pooed. There’s poo on the toilet paper, but not in the
toilet. Where is it?

Teflon Poo:
So slick and easy you don’t even feel it. No trace of poo on the
toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.

Goo Poo:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you
still don’t come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your
underwear so you don’t soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the

Second Thoughts Poo:
You’re all done wiping and about to stand up when you realize…
there’s more to come.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poo:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn’t want to come out
until you’re all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.

Weight Watchers Poo:
You poo so much you lose several pounds.

Right Now Poo:
You’d better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to
get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your
pants down.

King Kong Poo:
This one is so big you think it won’t go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well.
This kind of poo usually happens when you’re at someone else’s house.

Cork Poo:
Also known as “floaters.” Even after the third flush it’s still there,
floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?

Wet Cheeks Poo:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
launching of the QE2, soaking your starfish.

Wish Poo:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement Block Poo:
You wish you’d got a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake Poo:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least
three feet long.

Morning After Poo:
Happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn’t
smell that bad, but THIS one… Usually you’re at someone else’s house
(normally a girl you’re trying to impress) and they’re waiting outside
to use the bathroom.

Mexican Food Poo:
Also called “screamers.” You know it’s safe to eat again when your bum
stops burning.

Boo Hoo Poo:
Makes you cry with pain and wonder whether your should risk the
stitches or go for the fuller figure.

Poo Jokes!
So how would you rate this?

It’s New Year’s Eve! Happy 2012!

Mary left to go to her job as a waitress at the local bar on New Year’s eve. On her way there she dropped a coin in a beggar’s cup. The beggar transformed into a magical genie and said, “At the stroke of midnight you will be granted one wish. Use it wisely.” The genie then vanished into a puff of smoke.

Slightly shaken, Mary continued on her way. When she arrived the bar was very noisy and filled with a lot of men, but very few women. She also noticed that almost all of them had on their wedding rings. “How sad,” she thought, “that these men are not home with their wives to celebrate the New Year.

As she waited on the tables she grew more and more disappointed that they were out celebrating without their wives. As the clock struck midnight she made her wish, “I wish all these men were standing next to the one person who makes their miserable existence bearable!”

The bartender was immediately crushed to death.

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in.  A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.  –Bill Vaughan

It’s New Year’s Eve! Happy 2012!
So how would you rate this?

Rape Jokes

So who here wants to play a game of rape?
No? That’s the spirit!

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape… or shoplifting?

Yesterday, I told my coworker a joke about rape and he said, “If you think making jokes about rape is funny then you’re wrong. My wife got raped and trust me, it’s not funny.”
Feeling slightly ashamed, I said, “Sorry. When did this happen?”
“Last week,” he replied.
I paused for a moment and asked, “Behind the bus station?”
He said, “Yeah. Why?”
“Er… no reason.”

When people ask me what I do, I tell them I test rape alarms.
It sounds better than saying I’m a rapist.

Two white guys were walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads “Two black men wanted for rape!”
One guy turns to the other and says “Those bastards always get the best jobs”.

Me and six friends were sitting in a room; we got onto the subject of rape.
The only girl in the room said, “I’ve often wondered if I’m strong enough to stop someone trying to rape me.”
Turns out she’s not.

How do you stop a rape?

What has eight legs and makes women scream?
Gang rape!

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear my latest rape joke.
She said no, but I just went ahead and told her anyway.

In an argument with my girlfriend yesterday, she shouted at me:
“Stop making jokes about rape! How do you think the women feel?
“Depends on the girth,” was probably not the best response.

A woman runs into a police station shouting, “Grape! Grape!”
The cop says, “Don’t you mean rape, ma’am?”
The woman says, “No, there were bunch of them!”

Last night I stopped a woman in the park and said, “Give me your purse before I rape you.”
She instantly handed me her purse and said, “Take it.”
I said, “Thanks for co-operating, sometimes after I’ve raped a woman I feel guilty about taking her purse.”

If you ever want to get away with rape, simply hire a wolf outfit from a fancy dress shop.
On the first night tap on a young girl’s window, and before her parents come, run away and hide.
On the second night, repeat.
On the third night, STRIKE – no one will ever believe her.

I am a male prostitute.
I say that, but really I just rape women and steal their money.

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl?
Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

Rape Jokes
1 vote

Boasting Veterans

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

Boasting Veterans
So how would you rate this?