A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”
“OH, MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex!”
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”
Here’s a bunch of great short puns to kick off the New Year!
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution when a cat walks by outside the window.
“I’d love to have sex with that cat,” said the zoophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said, “Meow.”
Two theoretical physicists decided to go hiking in the mountains. After a while they started to suspect they might be lost. One of them gets the bright idea to climb to the top of the nearest mountain to get a better view of their situation. When they get to the top, he pulls out a map and starts to study it. A few minutes pass before he turns to his partner and says, “Hey, I’ve figured it out. I know where we are.”
“Where are we then?” said his friend.
“Do you see that mountain over there?”
“Well, that’s where we are.”
It's winter here, and the weather is not exactly inviting me to experience the great outdoors. As a result I tend to sit around and contemplate what I want to eat... and then I spend my time making that dish a reality.
I have a very particular set of skills that I have acquired over a very long time of living on my own that allows me to take basic ingredients and manipulate them in such a way as to create those Instagramable moments that taste as good as they look.
This is not helping my waistline.
I wish my comics were as good as my dinners.
This is the part where we thank this week's contributors, and oh look! It's Glenn and George again! Seriously I if you guys didn't send me the jokes that you do, I would have quit by now. Of course anyone can use our submission page or email email@example.com. It's tax deductible!
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” ― Charles M. Schulz
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
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It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.