Lost Old Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

“Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”

“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”

Searching For “Crisco”

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”

The clerk is astonished. “Your wife’s name is Crisco?”

The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”

“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”

“Lard ass.”

The Offerings

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said…

“Brothers and Sisters, I don’t like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner’s wife, and if there is not at least twenty dollar bills in the collection, I will reveal his name.

Later, as he counted the money he found 50 twenty dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read “Forever hold your peace, I’ll have that other eighteen dollars before sundown.


Little Beverly returned home from school and told her mother that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them.

The mother said, “YOU should say ‘NO’! They only want to look at your undies”.

Beverly replied “I know they do. That’s why I hide them in my backpack!”

I’m probably too late to post these…

As everyone knows, Farrah Fawcette passed away. St. Peter immediately recognized her and said, “For being such a wonderful person, you are entitled to one wish to leave behind as your legacy to the world.”

Farrah replied, “I wish to save all the children in the world!”

And so, Micheal Jackson died.

So they’ve reviewed the autopsy again and determined what really killed Micheal Jackson. Apparently it was food poisoning.

Apparently he had been eating twelve year old nuts.

Update: McDonald’s just announced their new sandwich to commemorate Micheal Jackson! It’s 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns.

So in case anyone was wondering what is to become of Micheal Jackson’s remains, the family decided to go green. They took all the plastic  out of him to be recycled into Legos so children will be able to play with him!