40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
Many times civilians don’t get it. If a military member tells you they are being deployed, it means they are about to be sent to the battlefields of whatever country we are currently fighting with. It can be a pretty emotionally intense period in their life, so try to be a little understanding.
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour gently scratching and massaging his balls She was so meticulous about it and it was obvious that this was something she loved to do.
The man was thoroughly enjoying it but he was curious about her fascination. He turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that so much?”
After I moved into my house, the south side was committed to the task of growing food. Of course I had the obligatory tomato plants, because as you may know, there's a law in Ohio that requires every household to grow them. I've also grown my fair share of other veggies to various degrees of success.
Some years were better than others, but the sweet banana peppers were consistently in the process of bearing fruit throughout the summer. Sadly, I didn't know what to do with fresh grown banana peppers at that time, so I gave most of them away.
Keep in mind I've always loved those jars of banana pepper rings, but I honestly didn't know how to make them until about two years ago. I found an easy online recipe for them, tried it, and was blown away. This goes well beyond the difference between store bought and home grown tomatoes. This was a life altering event. Store bought jars were rendered nearly inedible thanks to my new found superpowers.
So previously I'd only planted two to four banana pepper plants, but last year I upped it to six! I produced several quart mason jars from just those six plants. This year, I decided to go... a little crazy.
48 Banana Pepper Plants!
I moved the mandatory tomato plants to the east end and planted two banana pepper beds of 24 plants each. It's mid June, and I've already got banana peppers nearing harvest. Oh yeah! This is mass production time!
So I'll probably be posting banana pepper updates throughout the summer. I'm eager to see just how much I can produce in spite of having such a small plot of land.
Another great week ahead with jokes from George, but of course I invite everyone to send in jokes via the Flush Twice submission page. My email address is still email@example.com, and you can send jokes to me there as well.
Thanks for stopping by today, and have a terrific week!
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic in the sidebar that updates every Saturday. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by visitors like yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
So what makes a joke funny? Well, it boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.