Ivy League

A Harvard man and a Yale man go into a washroom and use the urinals. After they are done, the Harvard man stopped to wash his hands, while the Yale man headed for the door.

The Harvard man looked at the Yale man disapprovingly and said, “At Harvard, we take care to wash our hands after using the lavatory.”

“Well,” the other replied, “at Yale, we know not to piss on our hands.”

A small-town country boy gets a scholarship to Harvard. While still learning to get around the place, he was trying to find the library to meet up with a study group. Lost and wandering around, he sees a man walking by and asks, “do you know where the library is at?”

The man stops, looks at him, and sniffs, “Son, at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition”.

“OK. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”

A group of Yale students are travelling around the South on their Spring Break. They pass an old man, sitting on a porch who asked them, “Where you boys from?”

“Yale,” they reply.

The old man stands up and shouts, “WHERE YOU BOYS FROM!”

The Hospital Stay

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun asked.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters’. They are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”