A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun asked.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters’. They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a Mass for the poor creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for their service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. ‘Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?’
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff…Dad…I became a prostitute…’
‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.’
‘OK, Dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and…’
‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff… a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.’
‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.’
It's the little things, and in this case the very little things. I just wasted five #$%^ing hours trying to fix the dot over the 'i'. Let me explain. You might have noticed the font used in the comic is unique to this comic. That's because I spent way too much of my free time building my own custom font using a program called "Fontforge".
So when I redid the panel templates for 2019, I used different sizes of fonts and noticed the larger the font size, the more the dots over the i's looked a little off. I did some manual tweaking and resizing in the bitmap editor, but I didn't want to mess with the hassle of editing the font itself.
Fast forward a few months, and it was still bugging me... Just look at the "i" in the "Twice" in the page header. Why is that dot so small? Basically, once you see it, you can't unsee it. This needed to be fixed.
There were a few other problems with the font as well. The dash was too long, the copyright symbol was not proportional, and other minor things I felt needed a tweak. Since there had been an OS reinstall since the last time I work on my font, I had to install the latest version of Fontforge before I could start editing.
Oh the joy. This latest version of Fontforge insisted my font had errors. It proceeded to #$%^ up a few of the letters like 'b', 'e', and 'q'. It took me three hours to fix everything. It bitched and complained about anything else it could whenever I tried to generate the font. Finally, after I got rid of all the errors and glitches, I generated the font, and then for some reason, the font would not work.
The #$%^ing font would not work.
First of all, Fontforge is a travesty of a font editor. Looks like something designed for Windows 1.0. It's about as intuitive as reading a technical manual written in Jenglish. While I would never have been able to create my font without the program, I still want to hunt down the program designer and beat them with a pool noodle.
I spent another two hours pouring over everything on that font. Finally I realized I was generating the font into the wrong format that my bitmap editor couldn't even read. Ugh! I'm such a bonehead! I changed it to "Truetype", and magically the problem was solved.
I just spent five #$%^ing hours trying to fix the dot over the "i", and nobody in the entire #$%^ing world will give a shit.
What am I doing with my life?
These jokes don't write themselves, and they probably weren't written by George or darkmare either. Nevertheless, they sent in the jokes that you'll be reading this week, so thanks goes out to them for the help they've given me. If you want to help out, please go to our submission page, or add firstname.lastname@example.org to your list of recipients when you share jokes with friends and coworkers. Every bit helps!
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic in the sidebar that updates every Saturday. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
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