Lazy Job

A Staff Sergeant was addressing his squad and said, “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.”

Seven men raised their hands, and the Staff Sergeant asked the remaining troop, “So why aren’t you raising your hand?”

To which the soldier replied, “It just seemed like too much trouble, Sergeant.”

Magic Mirror 2

As Wendy put on her daily makeup, she gave herself a playful, sultry glance in the mirror and said, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Suddenly, the mirror replied, “How the hell should I know? Your fat ass keeps blocking my view!”

Conferring with Criminals

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

A Night at the Theater

An usher at a movie theater noticed a customer laying across three seats near the back of the theater. He told the customer that he can only take up one seat.

The customer just moaned and rolled his eyes.

The usher went to get his supervisor who came back and told the customer he must only take one seat or he will call the police.

Once again the customer just moaned and rolled his eyes.

The supervisor called the police, who came and told the customer that he has been told by the usher and the manager to sit up and that he can only take up one seat. “What’s wrong with you?” they ask.

The customer just moaned and rolled his eyes.

Scratching his head, the police officer then asked the man “Where did you come from?”

Slowly the man lifted a hand in the air, and said “The balcony.”

Anniversary Present

John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

“Would you like a new Mink Coat?” he asked.

“Not really,” replied Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” said John.

“No,” she responded.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggested.

Again she rejected his offer with a, “No thanks.”

Frustrated he finally asked, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answered Mary.

John thought for a moment and replied “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”