The Suspicious Spouse

A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight while en-route home, and he asked the cab driver if he would be a witness, because the man suspected his wife of having an affair, and he wanted to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agreed.

After quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there before them was his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man who was also totally nude.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head as the wife shouted, “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

“HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

“HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.

“HE paid for your Football season tickets.

“HE paid for our house at the lake.

“HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.

“HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.

“And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month.”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, ‘What would you do’?

With an understanding look, the cabby replied, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

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The Celibate Prostitute

A local prostitute was brought before the court for solicitation.

The judge was surprised to discover that the young woman was claiming not guilty when the police had caught her in the act.

The judge questioned her, expressing her surprise.

“I am celibate,” the woman declared.

“Celibate?” the judge asked, wide-eyed. “How can you claim you are celibate?”

“It’s my business to be celibate. I sell a bit here, I sell a bit there.”

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The Farmer’s Filly

A farmer bought a cute little filly that he planned to race next season, but when he got her home, his old stallion got her scent and wanted her. He started kicking up dust and tried to get to her. The farmer didn’t want her pregnant because she wouldn’t be able to race, so he called the vet.

The vet told him to tie a bed sheet around the filly’s rump to keep the stallion away. So that day, the farmer did just that.

The next day, the farmer went out to the corral to make sure the vet’s solution worked, but the filly was nowhere to be found. The farmer followed her hoof trail to the neighbor’s farm and saw the neighbor’ kid out by their barn.

“Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?” the farmer asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her butt!!”

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Advice at the Bar

While having drinks with her friends, a woman noticed a rather homely man looking lonely at the bar.

Intrigued by this quiet man, she excused herself from the table and took a seat next to him.

After a brief ice-breaker she said, “You know, if you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you’d look all right.”

“If I did that,” the man replied, “I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

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The Explaination

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

“Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

“Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

“She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

“Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

“Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’

“And so, here we are!”

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