A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs.
Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. “Prostrate trouble,” said the first doctor.
“Oh no, not at all. That’s a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one”, said the other.
They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man. They both agreed and crossed the street to stand before the gentleman.
“Sir, my colleague and I are both doctors,” said one, “and if you’ll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?”
“Well”, said the man, “all three of us were wrong. I thought I had gas.”
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit… well, more than a bit… had a snuggle, and she asked me if i ever had a “Sportsman’s double”.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a mother, daughter threesome,” she replied.
“Oh,” I said, as my mind began to embrace the idea. “No I haven’t,” and I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.
We drank a bit more, then she say with a wink that tonight was my “lucky night”. I went back to her place, and as we walked in she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, “Mom, are you still awake?”
A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
Again the proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
“I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, No it ain’t rigged, Billy Ray! My wife won twice last week.”
In a Seattle, Washington college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”
Just in case you weren’t sure about whether or not you were a member, here’s a little self test to help you determine if perhaps you might be part of the notorious “Taliban”.
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
A Harvard man and a Yale man go into a washroom and use the urinals. After they are done, the Harvard man stopped to wash his hands, while the Yale man headed for the door.
The Harvard man looked at the Yale man disapprovingly and said, “At Harvard, we take care to wash our hands after using the lavatory.”
“Well,” the other replied, “at Yale, we know not to piss on our hands.”
A small-town country boy gets a scholarship to Harvard. While still learning to get around the place, he was trying to find the library to meet up with a study group. Lost and wandering around, he sees a man walking by and asks, “do you know where the library is at?”
The man stops, looks at him, and sniffs, “Son, at Harvard we do not end a sentence with a preposition”.
“OK. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
A group of Yale students are travelling around the South on their Spring Break. They pass an old man, sitting on a porch who asked them, “Where you boys from?”
“Yale,” they reply.
The old man stands up and shouts, “WHERE YOU BOYS FROM!”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”
“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.
“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.
“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”
“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun asked.
“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”
“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters’. They are married to God.”
“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ‘Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a Mass for the poor creature?’
Father Patrick replied, ‘I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.’
Muldoon said, ‘I’ll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for their service?’
Father Patrick exclaimed, ‘Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. ‘Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?’
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff…Dad…I became a prostitute…’
‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.’
‘OK, Dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and…’
‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff… a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.’
‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.’
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour gently scratching and massaging his balls She was so meticulous about it and it was obvious that this was something she loved to do.
The man was thoroughly enjoying it but he was curious about her fascination. He turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that so much?”
”Because,” she replied, “I really miss mine.”
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt .”
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep More soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
*edit: Sorry, but the novelty has worn off. Comments were disabled due to spambots apparently trained on the letters “AARP”.
After an examination, the doctor sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.”
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
“Well my child, we celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the club and have a martini.”
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS,” she told them.
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”
“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone,” came the reply.
It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold ?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.’