Usually civilians don't get to see us soldiers when we're in uniform, but sometimes when I travel I'll occasionally stop to get a bite to eat or fill up my gas tank. It's times like that when people from out of nowhere come up to say thank you and show their gratitude. It's actually a humbling experience for me, and a reminder that I have a big responsibility to live up to.

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,

“I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replies, “a Divorce Attorney.”

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “oneslice”? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” When, it isn’t all right .

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Yeah, so this actually happened a couple months back, but a guy I knew in the Army somehow managed to come up positive on his drug test. This by itself pretty much gets a lot of guys kicked out... But then come to find out he was spotted in a store hangin' all over another guy...? I'm sure he'll get an achievement award out of this.

A pastor was doing his children’s sermon bringing all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.  He was discussing the story of Jonah.

He began by quoting the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2:

“And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ And the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land” (Jonah 117; 22, 10).

When the pastor finished the quotation, he began soliciting feedback from the youngsters to help him complete this sermon.

He asked, “What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?”

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm, and loud enough for the entire congregation to hear, “It proves that even a fish can’t stomach a bad preacher!”

The Triplets’ Tale

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a  masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

“What’s wrong?” asked the mother.

“I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,” replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears, “Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.”

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. “It’s okay” said the Mom, “I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.”

“No,” said the boy, “I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.”

I'm not implying that the rich never hire anyone... After all, they need nannies and pool boys just like the rest of us. But most people get their jobs through personnel departments ran by bean counters who's private bank accounts probably couldn't afford to hire their own secretaries. It's something to think about...

Railroad tracks. A simple thing we take for granted. Wait till you see how one thing leads to another… The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in  England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in  England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial  Rome  built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder “What horse’s ass came up with this?” you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as
you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.

And I bet you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important!

I run into these people all the time. They freak out over the slightest inference of toilet humor. Oddly enough, if they hear it in a movie or on a TV show they picked to watch, then that's perfectly OK. After all, very rich people put it out for our consumption.

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word “service”.

Internal Revenue “Service”

U.S. Postal “Service”

Telephone “Service”

T.V. “Service”

Civil “Service”

City & County Public “Service”

Customer “Service”

and “Service” Stations

This is not what I thought “service” meant.

Today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to “service” a few cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those “service” agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I am!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302, and nobody around here tells me shit.”

More often than not, guys get excited when you mention the "L" word. They somehow think that every lesbian is going to be as smokin' as Isabelli Fontana.

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

“Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”

“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”

BONUS: The Robot Secretary

Ralph goes up to Gary one morning and comments, “That new secretary of yours is beautiful!”

Gary replies, “I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot! She’s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. She’s got a lot of extra features too!”

Ralph was intrigued. “Mind if I borrow her?” he asked.

“Go ahead,” said Gary.

So, Ralph takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for
a moment. Suddenly, Gary hears him screaming “Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp” Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!”

Gary shout’s in the door, “Hey! I forgot to tell you, Ralph- Her ass is a pencil sharpener!”