Short list of comments that soldiers hate: "Ever killed anybody?", "Good morning, General!", "I almost didn't see you. Must be that camouflage!"

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Being rude is never the right answer, but it makes me feel better just fantasizing that this is possible.

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, “You’re an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You’ll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you’d come in second.”

“Why would I come in second?” her husband asked.

She replied, “Because you’re an idiot!”

Seriously, if you call and it just disconnects, it's because I can never remember which button to press.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea….does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes? If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS”?

Honestly: How could you possibly go wrong with this very rare condition?

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than ‘going blind!’)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England – but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only ‘in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.’

(Is this a great country or what? …well, maybe not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don’t have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)