Fingering the Floozy

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was very receptive to his advances after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties.

At first she seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried, “Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!”

“I’m not wearing a ring,” the man sheepishly admitted. “That’s my Timex.”

Describe Your Mom as a Bird

The teacher announced, “The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why.”

She left the kiddies for a short while and then asked them their answers.

Kelly at the front went first, “My Mummy’s like a swan, because she’s white and elegant”

“Thank you Kelly” says teacher, and she continued going around the class.

Bobby said “My Mummy’s like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters.”

“Thank you Bobby,” said the teacher, and continued with the other students.

Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asked him, “Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?”

Little Johnny piped up with “A thrush!”

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asked, “Why is that?”

Little Johnny replied, “Because she’s an irritating bitch!”

Met at the Brothel

Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.

“You shouldn’t be so unhappy about it,” the barkeep said, “It’s actually kind of romantic.”

“Oh, yeah?” responded Scott. “Well, I thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn’t give me my money back and refused to give me another girl.”

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Moving Right Along

So “Art Evolution” is the way an artist’s work changes over time. Back in 2004 I drew stick figures, but that evolved. By the end of the first year, you couldn’t really call them stick figures anymore. The characters were still very rudimentary until the seventh year when the limbs tapered and I started drawing hands. In 2011 I started using a 3D engine to create the backgrounds, or as I call them: “sets”. A lot has changed, but my characters are easily recognizable from their humble beginnings.

Yesterday’s comic featured Alexis and Birdie. I remember the first time I showed those characters to one of my coworkers. She laughed at my comical attempts to put boobs on a stick figure. Later on when I tried to make actual characters, their breasts ended up looking like a couple of gumdrops stuck on a male torso. I’m actually pretty embarrassed even looking at those old designs. I mean, what was I thinking?

Today their bosoms look like they were illustrated by a person who’s actually seen a woman, and just this past week I finally finished upgrading their templates. (Yes, I make and use character templates. Don’t judge me!) At one point I made a test image of Birdie in a skirt. She looked very neat and feminine. I almost wept.

In the past I’ve avoided including the females in the story because they are inherently more difficult to depict. With my latest technique, I hope to put more of that reluctance behind me. Don’t hold me to it, but maybe in a year or two, I might even introduce a few more female characters.

My art evolution has been slow, but that’s OK with me. Now if only my humor and script writing abilities could improve as much, then this comic might be as good as “Gamer Chicks”. I know it’s a pretty lofty goal, but I’ve failed enough in the past that failure doesn’t really bother me anymore. It’s the “not trying” aspect that really gets to me.

Pax,

-f2x

The Man of the House

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be the MAN of Your House”.

Brimming with new found confidence, he stormed over to his wife sitting in her chair and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

“After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

“Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

Without even looking up, the wife replied, “The mortician would be my first guess.”

The Unicorn Hunter

A couple of hunters were in a lodge making small talk.

One of them asked the other, “So, what do you hunt?”

He answered, “I hunt unicorns.”

The first hunter was taken aback, then said “Really? How do you do that?”

The other answered, “I hire a virgin sit around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”

The first hunter said “I bet they’re hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”

The second hunter said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”

The Snake Bite

Two cowboys were a couple miles outside of town on a trail they used for herding cattle.

One of the cowboys stopped to take a pee. As he was relieving himself, a rattlesnake sprung from the bush and bit him right on the penis. He called his buddy for help.

Not knowing what to do, his buddy jumped on his horse and raced into town seeking a cure.

Once he reached the doctors office, he ran inside and explained the situation.

The doctor told the cowboy that the only way to save his friend would be to suck the poison out.

With that knowledge, the cowboy jumped back on his horse and raced back to his friend.

“What did the doctor say?” said the ailing cowboy.

“He said you’re gonna die.”

Satan in the Sanctuary

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running out the front church door.

Everyone had gone except for an elderly man who sat calmly in the pew. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you not know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Are you not going to run?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, “Why are you not afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

Japanese Pizza

An American businessman went to Japan on a business trip. Unfortunately he wasn’t the least bit fond of Japanese food, so he called the hotel front desk and asked if there was any way he could get a pizza.

The concierge happily informed the man that it was not a problem. He took the man’s order and said room service would deliver his pizza shortly.

Thirty minutes later, there was a boy at the door with the pizza. As the man took the pizza, he started to sneeze uncontrollably. “What the heck did you put on this pizza?” he demanded to know.

The room service boy bowed his head and said, “Just what you ordered: Pepper only.”