The Quiet Romantic Dinner

A man and a woman were having a quiet romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes and holding hands.

The waitress was taking an order at a table a few steps away when she noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table. All the while, the man continued staring straight ahead.

The waitress thought this behavior was a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners. She went over to the table and tactfully commented to the man, “Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table!”

The man looked up calmly and replied, “No, she didn’t. She just walked in the door.”

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The Midget Wife

A guy walked into a bar with his midget wife and took a stool with his wife standing next to him.

The bartender was busy at the other end and didn’t see them when they walked in.

When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asked the new customer what he would like.

He asked for two glasses of beer, which the barman brought.

After leaving him, the bartender went about serving other patrons, when he noticed the man had finished his beers. He asked if he would like a refill, and the man said, “Yes. I’ll have a couple more.”

The barman got two more beers and set them in front of the man.

Not seeing anyone else with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asked him, “Why, did you order two drinks at a time?”

The man replied, “Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife.”

The confused bartender replied, “Your wife? Where is she?”

“She’s standing here next to me.”

The bartender leaned forward to look over the edge of the bar and uttered, “Well, I’ll be God damned, she ain’t any bigger than your fist!”

The man replied, “No, but she’s a hell of a lot better!”

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Gardening Tips

A beautiful woman loved to garden, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asked her neighbor, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?”

He replied, “Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

The woman decided to do the same thing.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to the garden.

One day her neighbor asked, “How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?”

“No,” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

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Layers of Abstraction

The English teacher was attempting to teach the class about abstract nouns.

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t actually touch it. Can anyone give me a couple of examples?”

“Sure,” one teenage boy replied. “Your tits!”

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Principal’s Concern

The mother of a teenage boy was asked by his Principal to visit his office to discuss a serious matter.

When she arrived, the Principal said, “I’m sorry to have to tell you that your son came to school yesterday wearing a print dress, high-heeled court shoes and lipstick!”

“Damn it!” said the boy’s mother, “I’ve told him a hundred times not to wear his father’s clothes!”

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