Works Like a Charm

A couple of socialites were conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.

The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The the second woman replied, “That’s nice.”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that Ferrari you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman commented, “That’s nice.”

The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented, “That’s nice.”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried. “For heaven’s sake, child, what on Earth for?”

“Well, it comes in very handy. For example, instead of saying, ‘Who gives a damn,’ I learned to say, ‘That’s nice.’

Works Like a Charm
1 vote

The Keys to Heaven

Three ladies had died and were waiting at the gates of heaven.

They were greeted by St. Peter and an assistant angel.

St. Peter approached the first lady and asked, “Were you a good girl?”

“Oh yes”, she said enthusiastically. “I was a virgin my entire life!”

“Very good”, said St. Peter. He turned to the angel and said, “Give this woman the golden key.”

Turning to the second lady, St. Peter asked, “Were you a good girl?”

“Oh, quite good”, she said. “I remained virgin up until the day I got married.”

“Very good”, said St. Peter. He turned to the angel and said, “Give this woman the silver key.”

Approaching the third lady, St. Peter asked “Were you a good girl?”

“I’m afraid I haven’t been a very good girl at all”, she said. “I practically had sex with every guy I ever met!”

“I see,” said St. Peter. He turned to the angel and said, “Give this woman my room key.”

The Keys to Heaven
1 vote

The Insurance Claim

After a fire had burned down their barn. The farmer’s wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $175,000, since that was the amount for which the barn had been insured.

“We can’t just give you the money,” a company official explained. “But don’t worry. We will replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “I would like to cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

The Insurance Claim
1 vote

A Lawyer’s Integrity

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

A Lawyer’s Integrity
1 vote

The Mother-in-Law

Sandy called her mother on the phone and sobbed, “Mama, Ted and I just had a terrible fight! He said a lot of mean things to me and even called me fat! Mama, I can’t take this anymore. I wanna move back home with you!”

The mother calmly soothed her daughter and said, “No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!”

The Mother-in-Law
1 vote