Annual Checkup

An 90-year old man was having his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”

The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

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Sunday School Silliness

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One Sunday the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”

When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.

The teacher said, “Very good,” and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”

But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April, and the teacher said, “very good.”

April fell back to sleep.

After a while the teacher asked April a third question.

“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.


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The Temptress of the Tired

Charlie came home dead tired from working another twelve-hour day and collapsed in bed.

As he was just about to fall asleep, his wife rolled over and said, “What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny woman lying next to you?”

He replied, “Don’t worry honey. I’d stay faithful!”

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The Matchmaker’s Pitch

“Mr. Vandergelder, I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” the Matchmaker proclaimed with zeal.

“Don’t bother,” replied Mr. Vandergelder. “I’ve two sisters at home who look after all my needs.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’ Ms. Levi. I didn’t say they were mine.”

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Brag Queen

Sitting at the kitchen table, Sadie was bragging to Sophie about her daughter.

“My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami,” said Sadie.

Sophie sipped her coffee and politely nodded.

“She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends.”

Sophie’s gaze drifted to the side for a moment as she took a deep breath.

Sadie droned on, “Of course they also buy her beautiful jewelry and take her on expensive vacations…”

Having had enough, Sophie finally replied, “Yeah, you know my daughter’s a whore too.”

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