Summer Hiatus (Random Jokes from the Archive)

Where Babies and Other Things Come From

A mother is explaining where babies come from to her young son.

“Son a man has a penis, and a women has a vagina,” she began. “Put the penis in the vagina and you are making love. That’s how you make babies.”

The son says, “I get that part, Mom, but I was walking past your bedroom door the other night and dad’s penis was in your mouth. What does that make?”

“Well son,” the mother says, “that makes jewelry.”

Random Joke #2

The Lonely Business Traveler

A sales rep on a business trip got booked at a hotel in a seedy part of town. While walking down the street he picked up a flyer for a call girl. There was a photo of a beautiful girl bending over. She had all the right curves in all the right places, long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her butt. At the bottom was her name and number.

The man got to his room and decided to give this girl a call, so he picked up the phone in his room and dialed the number.

“Hello,” said the woman on the other end, “how may I help you?”

The man thought she sounded really hot and said, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait… I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I’m talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we’ll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?”

“That sounds fantastic, sir,” she said, “but for an outside line you need to press 9 first.”

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

Random Joke #3

The Stork Family Chronicles.

babyOnce upon a time there was a stork family – papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn’t show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn’t come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked ‘Papa stork, where were you last night?’ ‘Out making a young couple very happy,’ replied papa stork.

Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn’t come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked ‘Mama stork, where were you last night?’

‘Out making a young couple very happy,’ replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn’t home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn’t come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, ‘Where were you baby stork?’ as his tired son dragged himself over the threshold.

‘Out scaring the hell out of college students!’ replied baby stork.

Random Joke #4

Getting Out Of The Army

True story! My contract is up, and I’m finally leaving the military. I’ve met a lot of really excellent people during my time as a soldier. Here is a short list of the things my Officers and NCO’s have had to say about me:

  • I would not breed from this soldier.
  • This soldier is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.
  • When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
  • He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
  • Technically sound, but socially impossible.
  • This soldier reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
  • This soldier has delusions of adequacy.
  • Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  • He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • This soldier should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
  • This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I’m going to miss the Army! :.-)

Random Joke #5

Snappy Insults

  • I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.

  • You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.

  • Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I’ve wanted to cut it down.

  • You’re a person of rare intelligence. It’s rare when you show any.

  • I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

  • I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.

  • You fear success, but really have nothing to worry about.

  • You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

  • Brains aren’t everything. In fact in your case they’re nothing.

  • Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?

  • I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

  • I love what you’ve done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?

  • In the battle of wits you’re an unarmed man.

  • Moonlight becomes you — total darkness even more.