After years of scrimping and saving, Harold told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for back in 1999.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said Harold sadly, “a 1999 Cadillac.”
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. One evening the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight for an out of state conference.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am.”
The next morning the man woke up to discover it was after 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife did not wake him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It said: “It is 5:00am; wake up.”
A preacher went into a bar and said, “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
Everybody stood up except for one lonely drunk in the corner.
The preacher approached the man and said, “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”
“When I die? Sure,” replied the drunk. “I thought you were taking a load up now.”
Janet asked her husband, “Which do you like most about me? My pretty face or my sexy body?”
Tom looked at her from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor.”
The farm hand was walking past the barn when he heard some romantic music playing. Being curious, he looked inside to see the farmer dancing really slow while slipping one suspender off his shoulder and down his arm. As he removed the other suspender from his other shoulder, the farm hand realized that the farmer was doing a strip tease in front of his John Deere.
He asked, “Bubba, what in the world are you doing?”
The farmer said, “Well, Earl, I went to the doctor this morning and told him that me and the wife has been having trouble with our relationship. He told me that when I got home I should get cleaned up, put on some soft music, then do something sexy to a tractor.”