Linda slapped her husband on the back of the head.
“What was that for?” cried her husband.
“I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name ‘Mary Lou’ written on it,” she said angrily. “You better have a good explanation!”
“Now, sweetheart, calm down,” said the husband. “I was at the track last week and that was the name of the horse I bet on.”
Later that same day, Linda walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead.
“What the heck was that for?” he demanded.
“Your ‘horse’ just called.”
So he seems like a nice guy, and you decided to go on a date with him, but if he utters any of the following phrases, run for the nearest exit and don’t look back!
“I really don’t like this restaurant, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”
“I refuse to get [cable/internet/cell phone]. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”
“I used to come here all the time with my ex.”
“I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”
“It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”
Gordon stared intently at the document.
“What are doing?” asked his wife. “You’ve been staring at that paper for an hour.”
“It’s our marriage certificate,” replied Gordon. “I was hoping to find an expiration date.”
A man and his son were taking their donkey to be sold at the market.
As they walked along by its side a man passed them and said, “You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put his son on the donkey and they went on their way.
Soon they passed a group of men, and one of them said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man told his son to get off, and got on himself.
They hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, “Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.”
Not knowing what else to do, he pulled his boy up with him on the Donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The townsfolk said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey?”
The man and his son tried to think of what to do. At last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and carried the donkey through the town. They walked amidst the laughter of all who saw them until they came to a bridge. As they crossed the donkey managed to kick free, and in the struggle fell over the bridge and drowned.
“Let that be a lesson to you!” said an old man who had followed them, “If you try to please everyone, you may as well kiss your ass good-bye.”
Margery answered the door to find a workman carrying a box of tools.
“Good morning, Ma’am,” said the man as he politely tipped his cap. “I’m here to tune your piano.”
“There must be some mistake,” said Margery. “I never sent for a piano tuner.”
“I know, Ma’am,” came the cheerful reply, “but your neighbors did!”