Right now I'm working on creating the "Krappy Burger" set where Dewey works. The old one was hideously ugly and just can't bring myself to drop the characters onto those old low-rez sets. Come to think of it, that's the main reason why I'm so slow at making these. I want the sets to be re-usable, and to bit map them in high-resolution is fairly difficult for me.

I really didn’t have anything ready for today, but at the last minute I decided to throw in a couple of jokes and put up a comic.

Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

1. Your hand always lets you finish first.

2. It’s free.

3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It’s all I can get.

4. You call the position.

5. “Premature ejaculation” ? hehehe

6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.

7. Your privates are your best friend.

8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.

9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.

10. Easier to join their “Mile High Club.”

11. You get to scream out your own name.

12. Peeing is considered foreplay.

13. Nobody ever says, “Why is it all green and wrinkly?”

14. You’ll never have two women, but you’ll always have two HANDS!

15. Four words: “Brad Pitt hand puppet.”

16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.

17. Don’t have to clean up fur afterward.

The Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching. One day she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was suspected to be gay and the other a notorious drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

“Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.”

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

Have you seen the prices at the grocery lately? It's actually making me somewhat nervous. So far I haven't noticed any food shortages on the shelves, but my food costs have been rising at an alarming rate. Then again, I probably could stand to lose a few more pounds...

The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted..

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to fuck off.

…And Young Love

A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.

The young man lowers his window, “Yes, Officer?”

The trooper asks, “What are you doing?”

The young man says, “I’m reading a magazine, sir.”

Pointing toward the young woman in the back seat the trooper says, “What is she doing?”

The young man shrugs, “I think she’s just filing her fingernails, officer.”

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car on a lover’s lane at night and nothing indecent is happening? “How old are you, young man?” Inquired the officer.

“I’m 22, sir,” he replied.

“And what’s her age?” the officer demanded.

The young man looks at his watch and replied, “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

I suppose there are worse things than dating an older person. Being the older person is one example... In about a month and a half I'll officially be in the land of black balloons. I'm still going to lie about my age though. I'll just tell people I'm in my late twenties.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow.  Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I’m married to his fuckin’ widow.”

The First and Last Day On The Job

So, after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?”

So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.”