An old timer was sitting at the bar. The bartender had just mentioned how happy he was with the new ice machine.
“Just look at these new cubes!” the bartender beamed. “Have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?”
“Yep,” said the old timer. “I’ve been married to one for the past 25 years!”
Harold’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After applying her new makeup, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking at her carefully, Harold replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Now hold on a minute!” Harold interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
A man walked in the front door of a bar. He was obviously drunk, and staggered up to the bar. He took a seat and belched out a request for a drink.
The bartender politely informed the man that it appeared he had already had one too many and could not be served. The bartender then offered to call a cab for the inebriated fellow.
The drunk was somewhat dismayed, then with a grumble he climbed off the bar stool and staggered out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbled in the side door of the bar. He hobbled up to the bar and hollered for a drink.
The bartender came over and politely refused service to the man due to his level of intoxication, and again offered to call a cab.
The drunk looked at the bartender angrily, cursed, and shows himself out the side door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk found his way in through the back door of the bar. He plopped himself up on a bar stool, and belligerently ordered a drink.
The bartender came over and emphatically reminded the man that he is clearly drunk and will not be served any alcohol, and that either a cab or the police would be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looked at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cried “Just how many bars do you work at?”
A Scottish mother was visiting her son in his New York City apartment and asked, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?”
“They are such noisy people, Mother,” explained Donald. “One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”
“Oh, Donald!” exclaimed his mother. “How ever do you manage to put up with them?”
“What can I do?” said Donald shaking his head. “I just quietly lie in bed while playing me bagpipes.”
Two rednecks were standing at the top of a cliff. One had a budgie on each shoulder. The other had a parrot and a shotgun.
The first guy jumped off the cliff and on the way down the birds flew away. He crashed onto the rocks below and rolled over on his back. He looked up just in time to see his friend jump off too.
As the second guy fell, the parrot flew off. He pulled out his shot gun and shot the bird just before he crashed onto the rocks next to his buddy.
As they each laid there groaning in agony, the first one said, “I really don’t see what is supposed to be so great about budgie jumping!”
The second guy let out a groan and said, “I’m not really too impressed with free-fall parrot shooting either!”