Two old men were arguing over their doctors.
The first one said, “I don’t trust your doctor. For nearly a year, he treated old Smitty for his kidneys, and then Smitty up and died of liver failure!”
“So what makes you think your doctor is any better?” asked his friend.
“Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be damn sure you’re gonna die of a kidney ailment!”
One Sunday, a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all of the hay.”
Jerry had an awful day fishing on the lake. He sat in the blazing sun all day and didn’t even get a nibble.
On his way home, he stopped at the fish monger’s. He told the man behind the counter, “Can you get me four large catfish, but don’t bother wrapping them up.”
“Why don’t you want them wrapped, sir?” asked the young salesman.
“Because I want my wife to think that I caught them,” explained Jerry.
“Oh, I see, sir,” the salesman said with a smile. “In that case, I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“Why is that?” asked Jerry.
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you should come in, I should tell you to take orange roughy because she would prefer it for tonight’s supper.”
At the bar, Mark was telling his friend Bill that his wife had won a free trip to a day spa.
“She said they treated her like royalty,” explained Mark. “She got a massage, did up her hair, painted her nails, and they even gave her a mudpack facial.”
“I bet she looked amazing when she got home,” commented Bill.
“Well, yeah, she looked great for two days,” said Mark. “But then the mud fell off.”
As a the date of the solar eclipse approached, the director of a local planetarium published a warning in the local newspaper about the eclipse, and warned the community not to look directly into the sun.
The newspaper then received an indignant letter from a local resident. “If an eclipse is so dangerous,” she reasoned, “they should never have decided to hold one in the first place and ought to cancel it!”