The husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his wife stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. I just wanted to tell you…”
“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?”
The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”
The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”
“Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your pants?”
“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”
Both in their late eighties, Ethel and Erma were sitting on the front porch enjoying the pleasant evening air.
Ethel turned and asked, “Do you still get horny?”
Erma quickly replied, “Oh sure I do.”
“What do you do about it?” asked Ethel
“I suck a lifesaver,” replied Erma
There was a momentary pause before Ethel blurted, “So who’s been driving you to the beach?”
Over a couple of years Harvey had developed a crush on the beautiful single woman who moved into the house across the street. Every evening he had a clear line of sight to watch her doing yoga in front of her large bay window from his living room chair.
He was surprised one afternoon when she walked across the street, up his driveway and knocked on the door. Harvey opened the door and she said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to dance, get drunk, have a good time, and get laid. Are you doing anything tonight?”
Harvey’s lip quivered a little, then he quickly said, “Nope, I’m free!”
“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike.
“Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.”
“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.”
“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”
“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the corner shop would come over to see Mum. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”