Survey Assumptions

Outside the UN in New York City, a pollster was attempting to take a survey on a local topic.

Four men walked by: a Saudi, an Ethiopian, a North Korean, and a resident New Yorker. The pollster cleared his throat and said to the men, “Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage.”

The Saudi replied, “What is a shortage?”

The Ethiopian asked, “What is meat?”

The North Korean queried, “What is an opinion?”

The New Yorker responded, “What is ‘Excuse me?'”

Lottery Winner

An old Jewish woman won the Super-Lotto jackpot worth over $100 million.

The local news sent out a reporter to interview her: “So tell us, Mrs. Rosenberg, how do you plan on spending your winnings?”

“Well first I’m going to donate a million dollars to the synagogue, and of course I’ll also donate a million dollars to the community,” explained the elderly woman. “Then I’m going to commission a solid gold statue of Adolf Hitler and have it prominently placed in the middle of the town square.”

The reporter nearly choked on his lozenge before blurting out, “But Mrs. Rosenberg, Hitler was an awful, awful man. Why would you want to honor such a monster?”

The old lady held up her arm as she pulled up her sleeve, “Because he gave me the winning numbers!”

Moses on the Mountain

Moses went up the mountain while his followers waited below.

The clouds obscured what was going on, and all anyone could hear or see was 40 days of thunder and lightning.

Finally Moses came staggering back down.

The people approached Moses and asked, “What happened up there?”

“I’ve got good news and bad news,” Moses began. “The good news is that I got Him down to 10 commandments.”

“Tell us the bad news,” the masses cried.

“Adultery is still on there.”

An Art Investment

An artist called the gallery owner on the phone to see if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner explained. “The good news is that a gentleman inquiring about your work, wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it almost certainly would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist replied. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman let it slip that he was your doctor.”

To Be a little Smarter

Morris wasn’t too bright, so he went to the fish monger, who was rumored to be the smartest man in town.

“I want to be smart like you,” said Morris. “Can you tell me your secret?”

The fish monger looked over each shoulder to be sure no one else could overhear, then in a hushed voice told Morris, “Fish heads. If you eat enough of them, it will make you positively brilliant!”

Intrigued, Morris asked, “How much do fish heads cost?”

“Four dollars each,” said the fish monger.

“I’ll take five!” said Morris as he slapped twenty dollars on the counter.

A few days later, Morris came back to the fish monger’s in a rage. “Those fish heads were disgusting, and I don’t feel any smarter!”, yelled Morris.

The fish monger motioned for Morris to calm down and politely explained, “You haven’t eaten enough of them. If you want to become smarter, you have to eat more of them.”

Morris grumbled as he handed over another twenty for sack of five fish heads.

A few days later, Morris was back at the fish monger’s even madder than before. “You’ve been selling me these awful fish heads for four dollars a piece, but I just found out I could buy a whole fish here, including the head, for only two dollars. I think you’ve been ripping me off!”

“See that?” the delighted fish monger exclaimed. “You’re getting smarter already!”